Quarantined By My Thoughts
I sit here thinking about all that’s going on around us especially with COVID-19, coronavirus, “the rona”, whatever you call it. People are panicking. People are buying all the groceries out of the stores. People have brought all of the toilet paper. People are scared. Anxious. Frustrated. Bored. Lonely. Upset. Kids are out of school for the year. Homeschooling. Eating all the snacks. These teenagers are plucking nerves that I didn’t even know could be.
But yet with all of the hoop-la; the disarray; the confusion and frustration...my thoughts are ringing loudly in my head. They’ve taken over everything. I have become quarantined by my thoughts. My thoughts have held me hostage and I’ve become numb to everything around me. You may ask, well what could you possibly be thinking about? Or how can you possibly be so caught up with your thoughts? But contrary to popular belief, I am quarantined by my thoughts more often than not.
Even before the coronavirus, I was quarantined by my thoughts. Some days my thoughts take over and I have nowhere else to turn. I am sometimes overwhelmed by thoughts of wondering what I’m doing wrong. Thoughts of whether or not I am a good mother, wife, daughter, sister. Thoughts of loved ones going through. I am quarantined by negative thoughts. I am quarantined by positive thoughts. I am quarantined by space that sometimes I have no clue as to what they are about. Today as I sit here, I hear reports of more and more cases of this virus attacking people and not just any, but people that I’m in ways connected to. Family and friends both. Quarantined by my thoughts.
My thoughts have been consuming since I was a young girl. They have tried so hard to take over, sending me into depression sometimes. At one time, I had to take antidepressants to try to mask the thoughts. Then there were days that my thoughts became so masked, that I became lonely. Lonely because I could no longer hear my thoughts. I could no longer hear the negativity nor the positivity. I could no longer second guess myself over and over again, thinking constantly how I’d never amount to anything. I’d never be good enough to have someone to love me the way that I deserved. I’d never be able to have the career that I dreamed of. You’re not smart enough, is what my thoughts would tell me.
Now that I have beat those thoughts from childhood into early adulthood, I have new thoughts. You’re not a good mother or a wife. You went to nursing school, but face it you will never be a good nurse. You aren’t a good friend, because you can’t hold on to friendships. You accepted the call into ministry, but seriously girl, you ain’t no preacher. You can’t even get past your thoughts. You can’t minister to anyone else, when you can’t even figure out how to overcome your own obstacles. Quarantined by my thoughts!
Now as a nurse! With this coronavirus in disarray. Not having the proper PPE at work. People not taking it seriously. People dying everyday. People are still not taking it seriously. Families can’t properly say goodbye to their loved ones. There are people who have no clue where to turn, because they just can’t deal with life right now! I find myself going through the motions of life, and really not even knowing what the motion is. Days that I have to work, I immediately become anxious because I have no clue as to what I am walking into. I am anxious for myself...for my coworkers...for families...for the patients...and then for my family. What and the world will I bring home to them. God please don’t let me put them in danger.
I miss my momma. I miss my sister. I miss my friends (the few that I have). I miss going out to eat. I miss going to the movies. I miss just being able to get up and go whenever and wherever I want to go. Lord when will this end! Lord, when can we go back to normal. Wait….normal? No definitely not normal. I don’t want to be the same person that I was yesterday. I don’t want to be quarantined by the thoughts from yesterday.
Quarantined by thoughts of today, yesterday, and before! Quarantined by thoughts of tomorrow and beyond. Today I choose these thoughts….”no weapon formed against me shall prosper”.... “I am more than a conqueror through Him that loves me”... “Though he slay me, yet I will trust Him”. Quarantined by my thoughts!